Saturday, November 18, 2017

This will never end

“This will never end”, is a really common belief that keeps us well and truly stuck. It engenders a sense of helplessness, powerlessness and hopelessness which feels absolutely horrible. This belief and all it entails, is often worse than anything that came before it because we fear that how we feel will go on forever without any respite.


One of the main reasons we stay in this unbroken loop is because we keep avoiding unpleasant and uncomfortable emotions (assuming any traumatic experiences are over). It is natural and normal for certain emotions to arise depending on what we’re experiencing, it shows that we’re human. How these emotions were received by others early on in our life is usually when the problems start.

You might have learned that it is unacceptable to be angry, especially if you’re a girl or that you’re weak for being afraid if you’re a boy. We then start to believe that we are unacceptable, weak and bad for having these emotions, because the adults in our lives couldn’t handle us displaying certain emotions that they had an issue with (most likely learned from their parents and so it goes).

We learn self-regulation (how to handle our emotions and resulting body sensations) from being co-regulated, that is; soothed, reassured, accepted, understood and loved. Self regulation is a skill that can be learned like any other and even if we didn’t have a relational home when we were younger, we can give it to ourselves and get it from others.

Try tapping on:

Even though I have this belief that this will never end and that makes me feel … I accept how I feel

Even though this belief brings up unbearable sensations in my body that I feel I have to avoid or else … I accept how I feel

Even though it feels hopeless (or I feel hopeless) and the first time I remember feeling this way was … I accept how I feel

Even though it feels like this will never change, I can choose to make some changes that I have control over and that feels …

Then tap on whatever feels right through the points until you find some relief and hope to give you the strength to make the changes you need and want to make.

Thursday, November 09, 2017

Acceptance

Acceptance is oh so hard to do, especially when there is something going on, or went on in your life that you can’t accept. We can’t accept things for various reasons, but the biggest one I think is that something is causing/caused us pain. We think that if we accept it, it’ll stay (or go as the case may be) and that is unacceptable.


Write down the two sentences below and fill in the blank. Work on one issue at a time. Rate the percentage of what you can’t or can accept. Say for example, you write down 80% for ‘can’t accept’ and 10% for ‘can accept’ on the same issue, there’s a mismatch. Can accept ‘should be’ 20%, so by writing it out this way, you can really see the truth of how you feel and what you can truly accept right now.

1. I can’t accept …
2. I can accept …

Accept what you can’t accept for the moment. You are doing the best you can for now and you will increase your acceptance of something when you are ready. If you have judgements or criticisms about what you can/can’t accept, why, any urgency etc., you can tap on them. Remember being aware and acknowledging something is there can be really helpful, even if we can’t accept it right now.

Wednesday, October 25, 2017

The frozen response

When we're trauma informed, we realise that how we respond to overwhelming experiences is a natural, normal part of our evolution as human beings. Freezing or immobility is extremely common when our flight and fight responses have been thwarted for whatever reason. Freezing helps us to survive and it is an involuntary response, that is, our autonomic nervous system takes over for us in times of severe stress.

Judgements and appraisals from ourself and society such as I "didn't put up a fight", or I "just lay there and didn't scream", are just plain wrong and can make you more predisposed to developing trauma because you feel so ashamed of your responses, among other strong emotions and sensations that you may have. Society often blames the victim instead of focusing on the perpetrator. The victim is burdened with the responsibility of how they responded to threat with little to no understanding of how our bodies and minds work under threat. This is why education is so important, particularly for first responders, the police and the judicial system. It is crucial that we normalise how we respond to traumatic experiences so the likelihood of us developing trauma (and all its many manifestations) is reduced.

Try tapping on the words in this script, of course it is generic so please customise it for you and how you feel, leave out what doesn't fit and insert your own words, feelings and body sensations, which will make it much more effective.

Even though I froze, I accept myself anyway

Even though I’ve no explicit memory of freezing (common in utero and early childhood, the memory will be implicit), my body remembers

Even though my body remembers and that feels … I am trying to accept how I feel about that

Even though I couldn’t call out or move and that made me feel … I am willing to accept how I responded

Even though I now believe … about myself, I am willing to heal that belief

Top of the head: This frozenness
Eyebrow: In my (gut, legs etc) …
Side of eye: I can’t feel …
Under the eye: And that makes me feel …
Under the nose: I can feel … (twists/knots in your gut, stiffness in your legs etc)
Under the chin: My consciousness floated away
Collar bone: And my body stored …
Under the arm: When I couldn’t move or do anything

Top of the head: I was trapped (physically, psychologically etc)
Eyebrow: I was able to escape by …
Side of eye: And that makes me feel ...
Under the eye: I’m stuck
Under the nose: Something is stuck in my body and mind
Under the chin: And it’s causing me stress (list whatever else fits here)
Collar bone: The shame
Under the arm: Of …

Top of the head: The helplessness …
Eyebrow: The horror …
Side of eye: The fear …
Under the eye: The rage …
Under the nose: This helpless anger
Under the chin: I can feel some of it
Collar bone: And lessen the load on my body and mind
Under the arm: Holding all this stuff until I was ready

Top of the head: I’m grateful to my body sometimes
Eyebrow: And sometimes I think it has betrayed me
Side of eye: By not being strong enough
Under the eye: To fight back
Under the nose: Or flee
Under the chin: What else could my body and mind do?
Collar bone: They froze to help me survive
Under the arm: The response was instantaneous

Top of the head: I couldn’t control it
Eyebrow: And that makes me feel …
Side of eye: My mind floated away
Under the eye: And my body tried not to feel …
Under the nose: But it’s all coming up now
Under the chin: And it can be overwhelming
Collar bone: So I need to take it slow
Under the arm: But a part of me wants to go fast

Top of the head: Because I’m in pain
Eyebrow: I accept how all parts of me feel
Side of eye: I want to fight some parts of me
Under the eye: But they freeze
Under the nose: To protect me
Under the chin: Fighting doesn’t always work
Collar bone: There are other ways
Under the arm: To survive and thrive

Top of the head: It is possible to heal from this
Eyebrow: No matter how badly I feel right now
Side of eye: It’s simpler than I think
Under the eye: And maybe even easier than I think
Under the nose: I’ve been trying too hard
Under the chin: Because I feel so bad
Collar bone: I’m open to solutions
Under arm: That I might not have thought of


Saturday, October 14, 2017

Divided attention

Divided attention is really common when we’re stressed. Our attention is split into lots of different threads haphazardly focused in too many areas, which makes us feel really scattered and overwhelmed. It is really important to try and do one thing at a time, as slowly as you can, if possible.

The more stressed we feel, the more stuff we think we need to do to alleviate the stress; we become desperate, urgent and even panicky. But the opposite is in fact true. Know how your system reacts to threat, any threat, no matter how small you think the threat is (or whether you even recognise it as threat), and when you first notice the signs of stress, start doing what you know works or find something that you feel might work and start practising it daily.


You know from experience that minimising or comparing your stress levels and experiences with anyone else doesn’t help, it keeps you stuck, usually in shame, so take your own experience seriously. The only real measurement of stress is how we feel and if you feel bad enough, that’s good enough to do something about it regardless of what anyone else think or feels.

Keep it simple, do only a few things at most and do them daily. You should start to see results, hopefully immediately, but certainly in a few days. But remember, our nervous system takes time to rewire. If you have been steeping in stress hormones for a long time, your system needs time to reorient itself to a new way of being in the world. So as you’re dealing with your stress levels, be as kind to yourself as you can possibly be.

The moments of soothing ourselves, that is, learning to regulate ourselves, hopefully with the help of co-regulation, will join up and become minutes, hours, then days and after a while the days stretch into weeks and so on.

Tuesday, October 10, 2017

Sympathetic nervous system dominance

Try this script for when you feel stuck in flight or fight (sympathetic nervous system dominance), make sure to customise the script using your words. My next post will be on the freeze response and how it gets stuck. You can find the tapping diagram and procedure for the EFT short cut and basic recipe here. An excellent book on how to use various 'bodyways' for healing is Discovering the Body's Wisdom by Mirka Knaster.

Even though I have this trapped energy in my nervous system and it feels … I completely accept how I feel

Even though this shakiness/nervousness/humming/anxiety feels … and it’s hard to accept how I feel because …

Even though I’m easily overwhelmed and that makes me feel … I acknowledge how I feel

Top of the head: This stress
Eyebrow: Feels ...
Side of the eye: The sensations are …
Under the eye: And they feel …
Under the nose: Can I feel them?
Under the chin: Or do I want to run or fight?
Collar bone: I feel it most … (where do you feel it the strongest in your body?)
Under the arm: I feel it the least … (where does it feel calm, neutral, good? consider doing the pendulation exercise between these two places in your body)

Top of the head: This trapped energy
Eyebrow: In my …
Side of eye: It makes me want to …
Under the eye: And that feels ...
Under the nose: Can I be with 10% of this feeling?
Under the chin: I don’t have to feel 100% of it right now
Collar bone: Can I fully feel 10% of this?
Under the arm: Yes I can

Top of the head: No I can’t
Eyebrow: Maybe I can (consider getting a cushion/pillow and moving your legs on it as if you’re running in order to complete the flight response, or if you feel like fighting, get a cushion/pillow and give it a good bashing, and scream, wail, growl, clench your jaws, whatever feels right)
Side of the eye: This energy
Under the eye: Now feels … (has it changed since you started tapping? If it hasn’t, or it has increased - this is totally normal by the way - tap on how that makes you feel)
Under the nose: Does that feel ok to me?
Under the chin: Can I handle how it makes me feel?
Collar bone: I need to release this trapped energy
Under the arm: And that feels (stand up and shake out your body, or do something else that appeals to you to help you discharge some of the tension in your body, try some of these exercises here and here).

Wednesday, October 04, 2017

16 exercises to soothe anxiety

The 15 exercises below are also available as a pdf download from my website: http://energyandintention.com/exercisestosootheanxiety.pdf

1. 4-7-8 breathing exercise by Dr Andrew Weil.
2. With your thumb or index finger, close your right nostril and breathe through your left nostril, working up to 3 minutes. This activates your parasympathetic nervous system which helps calm you.
3. Keeping your head straight, look up with just your eyes, you can do a circle of 8 or look from left to right in whatever pattern you like, until you feel more calm.
4. Tapping your thymus and/or collarbone continuously, become aware of your exhale, and as you breathe out, purse your lips, which naturally elongates the exhale and activates your parasympathetic nervous system.
5. Put one palm across your forehead, and the other palm on the back of your head, near the base of your neck. Stay in this pose for one or two minutes, then switch hands and continue for another 2 minutes or so. It is easier to do this lying down, your hands and arms don't get as tired. Continue switching hand positions until you find a sense of calm/relief.
6. This exercise is from Linda Graham. When you feel anxious, let your body find the 'opposite' posture. Say for example, you curl up and feel tight and contracted when you're anxious, what would be the `antidote' to that body posture for you? Try moving your body into that position and if it feels right, you can also move in that pose/posture.
7. The collar bone point (kidney and adrenal gland meridian), is a great point to tap when you're feeling anxious. Try tapping on it continuously, you can always combine it with some of the breath exercises above if you like. Ask yourself while you're tapping, what are you fighting? Your feelings, a situation, a person, your anxiety?.
8. Soft palate relaxation from Forward Facing Trauma Therapy by Eric Gentry. Your goal is to locate and then relax the muscles of your soft palate.

  • Sit down comfortably and shift your focus to the muscles along the roof of your mouth. 
  • Release all the tension in this area. 
  • Now expand your focus to include the muscles in your face and jaw. 
  • Release the tension in these muscles too. 
  • Next, with all of these muscles relaxed, silently say the letter ``R'' to yourself and try to gently maintain the subtle arch this creates in the roof of your mouth for five seconds. 
  • Repeat this exercise five times. 
  • Notice the relaxation in your body.

9. Stephen Porges believes tapping on the face (starts at 3mins 32secs) points (eyebrow, side of eye etc.) activates the ventral vagal/social engagement system which calms sympathetic/dorsal dominance.
10. Exercise from Reinventing the Body, Resurrecting the Soul by Deepak Chopra.

  • Lie down before you go to sleep at night. 
  • Assume a position flat on your back without a pillow; spread your arms and legs at your side.
  • Draw in a deep, slow breath, then release it through your mouth in a sigh, as freely and naturally as your body wants. Some sighs may be quick, almost like a gasp; others may be as deep as a sob. 
  • You may feel a sense of relief, sadness, grief, elation, or any other emotion. Be aware of the emotions as they arise; you are not just releasing physical tension; you are accessing bodily memories at the same time. 
  • The natural discharge of tension bundles thoughts, feelings, and sensations together, so let them all go at once. 
  • Do this exercise for no more than ten minutes, because it can be intense; allow yourself to fall asleep if your body wants to. That is also part of the discharge process.

11. From Thriving in Chaos by Sandy Dow. Catch yourself when you are saying ``I am anxious''. Reframe it to ``There is a part of me that is anxious''. When you feel a grip of fear, anger, or sadness, be open to accepting a scared and confused part of yourself. Add a message ``Even though a part of me is having a touch time, I accept that part of me''*. This will have a way of separating from the anxiety rather than having it take you over. *You can use this phrase in your tapping.
12. If the anxiety feels just too overwhelming and appears to be in all of your body, try using the pendulation exercise by Peter Levine. This exercise is empowering and hopeful, it is a tangible felt experience of areas in your body which feel neutral, calm and even good, while also being aware of the areas that feel bad and contracted. Pendulating between the two allows you to release traumatic stress
13. From Coping with Trauma-Related Dissociation by Suzette Boon, Kathy Steele & Onno van der Hart.

  1. Notice 3 objects that you see in the room and pay close attention to their details (shape, colour, texture, size, etc.). Make sure you do not hurry through this part of the exercise. Let your eyes linger over each object. Name three characteristics of the object out loud to yourself, for example, ``It's blue. It is big. It is round''.
  2. Notice 3 sounds that you hear in the present (inside or outside of the room). Listen to their quality. Are they loud or soft, constant or intermittent, pleasant or unpleasant? Again, name 3 characteristics of the sound out loud to yourself, for example, ``It is loud, grating and definitely unpleasant''.
  3. Now touch 3 objects close to you and describe out loud to yourself how they feel, for example, rough, smooth, cold, warm, hard or soft, and so forth.
  4. Return to the 3 objects that you have chosen to observe with your eyes. As you notice them, concentrate on the fact that you are here and now with these objects in the present, in this room. Next, notice the sounds and concentrate on the fact that you are here in this room with those sounds. Finally, do the same with the objects you have touched. You can expand this exercise by repeating it several times, 3 items for each sense, then 2 for each sense, then one, and then build up again to 3. You can also add new items to keep your practice fresh.

14. Take a walk, dance, read a book, write down how you feel, have a bath, go to the cinema in the middle of the day, listen to music. Do what brings you a sense of calm, hope and joy.
15. Slow way down. When we're feeling anxious we tend to do everything fast, by slowing everything you do down, from walking to making a cup of tea, to your breath; you will engage your parasympathetic system. Know that it can take 20 to 30 minutes for stress hormones to completely leave your body but you will feel some of the effects of slowing down immediately, like your breath becoming deeper and slower as you put your attention on it.
16. Don't be afraid to do nothing, we often feel a desperate urge to get rid of our anxiety which often makes it worse. Be as kind to yourself as possible.

Monday, October 02, 2017

Parts of the whole

We assume we are a unified, integrated self but the truth is all of us have parts. It is more the exception than the rule that all parts of us will feel the same on any given issue. Most of us have some conflicting parts which is often why we can’t move ahead on a particular issue, but we might not realise that this is the reason why. For example, a part of you wants to give up smoking and another part needs to smoke because it helps with anxiety. It’s not scary when you think of having parts, or subpersonalities, like that, is it?

Like many things in mental health, normal processes are often pathologised, which creates a lot of shame and secrecy. We hear stories of people with multiple personality disorder (now called dissociative identity disorder or DID) and we think “That’s not me” and we go out of our way to prove how normal we are and to distance ourself from any of that weird stuff.

People with DID can have parts who do not remember what one part did, called dissociative amnesia, and it can cause havoc in their life. However, rather than being afraid of this, if we know what’s going on (psychoeducation), we can have understanding and compassion instead. One of the most common reasons for the lack of integration in DID, is the trauma that various parts hold. People with DID have often suffered horrific trauma, particularly early in their life, and dissociation is often the only means of escape from horrible situations. This creates not just spaces but chasms between parts in order to survive the unbearable.


Every single one of us is on the dissociation spectrum, it is just a matter of to what degree. It is really important to normalise dissociation, especially when we are going through traumatic experiences, as it is often the only coping mechanism we have. Problems arise when the divisions that persistent, long term dissociation creates, cause problems for the person and the people around them.

We often think of dissociation as a purely mental or psychological process, but dissociation is also a somatic process, which means it also affects the body. People who have suffered sexual abuse for example, can have parts of their body that they just don’t feel. A more common occurrence for all of us, are difficult sensations arising in our body that overwhelm our capacity to feel them, so we dissociate from them. Short term, this can be a great solution, but long term it causes all sorts of health problems, both physical and psychological.

A good place to start if you want to learn more about parts is Internal Family Systems, developed by psychologist, Richard Schwartz.